“I deeply appreciate the practice of bodywork—using the power of listening with our hands to rebalance the body. Oftentimes, a difficult conversation can be settled with a hug, or holding. Touch is a powerful medium.”
Conversation:
"The Beauty of Being"We're at the end of our photo shoot. As we take a walk out of the garden, something catches her eye. It may have been a familiar scent. She stops before a potted tree. Reaches a hand up, the grace of a dancer. Cradles in her delicate grasp one of its flowers. Yellow-green, almost ripe, a promise. A star, humble and content, relaxed, introspective. Virginia Woolf—“No need to hurry, no need to sparkle, no need to be anybody but oneself”—spoken in petals. “Ylang-ylang,” she whispers. Not so much informing me as she is calling the flower by her name—like a fond "hello" upon recognition of a dear, long-time friend. Gently, she pulls the flower towards her nose. Deep, audible inhale—gratitude. Eyes closed, witnessing beauty, Mother Nature's.
At last, she smiles. "My favourite flower." First smile that morning, I believe. A smile so subtle, so ephemeral, but the aura is something else. Corroborated by the noon sun, bright and strong, uninhibited. How far her light has journeyed, and then made it through these leafy cracks, to warm our skin, to love her flowers. Give life to this moment. It’s a scene one can't forget. Can’t shrink it into words either, it will only be remembered. She has long learned the secret/sacred language that transcends words. Through listening. Through touch. Through dance. I wonder what is being conveyed between her and her Ylang-ylang. Like her, a native to The Philippines. “Flower of flowers” in Tagalog. Like her, anointed with the purpose, the power to heal. Meet Chloe Calderon Chotrani, my guest on this week's Heart To Heart. Dancer, somatic therapist and, from my encounter with her, a beautiful, soulful human, who showed me a glimpse of the impact of quiet strength. Courage to feel deeply. To express the raw self vulnerably, authentically. To create conditions for freedom. To heal even when it's difficult ("Let me love the parts of you that you despise."). To touch life with love, not fear. To dance to the rhythm of her own heart.
“Allowing a moment of deep rage to be expressed, or allowing the emergence of suppressed desire to peek through, or confronting a part of ourselves that we are not so proud of, yet it is brutally honest, I think that is beautiful.”
Me: Look beauty in the heart. See her with new eyes. What is “beauty” to you? Chloe: Beauty is being able to embody our honest, raw, wild and primal self. If that means allowing a moment of deep rage to be expressed, or allowing the emergence of suppressed desire to peek through, or confronting a part of ourselves that we are not so proud of, yet it is brutally honest, I think that is beautiful. Those raw, unruly and authentic moments are what reveals the cracks in the concrete, the glitch in the smooth rendering, the human touch to the earthen pot, the untailored seam that undoes itself over time. Me: Can you recall a recent moment when you felt truly beautiful? Chloe: Likely, one of the many late nights after a long weary day, when I give myself the time to simply dance and feel my own full sensual body, to dance for joy, for connection, for freedom, without needing anyone to witness it even. In those moments, I feel full. Dancing truly brings me to my core. Or, sometimes when I am witnessing beauty, I also feel beauty, like watching a sunset or a horizon—I feel we are extensions of each other, in the witnessing of beauty is plenty.
Me:
What makes you feel un-beautiful? Can you recall an event that has made you feel that way? How do you untether yourself from such an emotion/energy, from false narratives that have been foisted upon you?
Chloe:
The energy of shame.
Shame makes me feel like I want to hide from the world, or hide under the armpit of a beloved, if there is a beloved nearby. Shame comes around the corner in unexpected moments. Sometimes, it’s the inability to allow myself authentic expression, the need to mask myself, or quiet myself to “keep the peace” of a situation—something I am actively working on. Being quiet has been a way to avoid conflict and harm.
Untethering myself from that involves a lot of deep self awareness—taking active time to write about it, process it, acknowledge it, and then to foresee ways I imagine it could have been better for me and others. And, hopefully, to catch it the next time shame comes around my corner, and to actively re-write that by moving, responding, and speaking differently.
Me: How would you describe the beauty you wish to see more of, and create—for yourself, your loved ones, for other women in your orbit? Chloe: Returning towards art-making has been a way for me to remember the chaos of the creative force.
I would hope to create more space for a surrender to discipline that will lead me to what I truly desire in life, in a way, creating conditions for freedom—all of which require a sense of safety in your sense of self.
Me:
It is said that what you admire in another is a mirror for what you desire to be more of. When you recognise beauty in other women, what do you see?
Chloe:
Hmm. I see a deep willingness to feel all the feelings, to confront difficult things, and to still find the compassion to be kind, somehow.
On Self-expression.
Me: There was a time in your childhood when you experienced selective mutism, you’ve told me. When words could not be a language through you were able to express your self, what language did you turn to, or invent, in order to be heard? Chloe: Mainly, dancing. Movement. Listening to bodies. Listening to the room, listening to spaces, a lot of listening. Me: What is your love language these days? Chloe: Touch. I deeply appreciate the practice of bodywork—using the power of listening with our hands to rebalance the body. Oftentimes, a difficult conversation can be settled with a hug, or holding. Touch is a powerful medium. Me: What self-care practice(s) do you intend to deepen, or start, for the benefit of your mental, emotional, physical wellbeing, and spiritual/creative/self growth? Chloe: Rooting myself into my own home, that is my big intention for this year—migrating and creating a home.
Me: As a woman and a healer, you’re accustomed to providing care to others. Do you allow your self to receive or to ask for care/help without feeling negative emotions such as shame, guilt, weakness and inadequacy? Chloe: I think those emotions will come around, and they arise asking us for attention, not necessarily to bother or sabotage us, but simply to be processed, acknowledged, and cared for. I welcome them as part of the whole experience, not separate from it or without it.
Receiving care, even when it is difficult, will often feel un-safe if care has often come with threat or harm in the past. Unwinding those learned conditions will take time, awareness, an active re-direction of our own internal narratives, and deep, deep presence.
On Somatic Therapy.
Me: “Deep change always involves the body.” Through your work, Body as Earth, you've created a space for holistic, integrative care and well-being, where you practise somatic therapy. For someone who’s hearing it for the first time, could you explain what somatic therapy is? Chloe: The form of somatic therapy I offer is a combination of craniosacral therapy that works mainly with the nervous system through the fluid health around the spine, trauma-informed studies, and integrating my learnings from my mentors of native traditional healing practices from my ancestry in the Philippines. For those hearing it for the first time, you can expect to process through the body—soma is body. If there are certain anxiety loops, troubles, pain, or stress you are encountering, and a cognitive-or mind-centric—approach is not getting to the root, then we involve the body as part of the process. Me: Can you walk me through what a session with you would entail? Chloe: It is a 75-minute session, with a brief conversation at the beginning to talk through the layers of your relationship with your body and how that affects your life. We also talk at the end to sense-make the session and discuss continuity, while the middle portion is focused on the soma, the body.
You will be laying down comfortably on a massage table with a blanket and pillows, and there will be a series of gentle touch holds, and your body will likely go into a deep rest state. This is the optimal state for your body to recover and recalibrate into balance.
This process can entail temperature change, gentle twitching, dream states, or some rising and falling of aches and pains. The main intention is for your body to return to an integrated state with more internal harmony. Me: I’d like to talk a little about pain. I think everyone has at some point in their lives experienced—whether it’s physical, emotional or psychological. And there are those who live with chronic pain. Myself included. What is your approach to helping your clients to relief/release their pain? Is it possible to be free of pain for good through somatic healing? What is required of the recipient (mindset, attitude, preparations?) so you can collaborate effectively towards recovery? Chloe: Chronic pain is a complex and nuanced issue. It can be mysterious and confusing. And, no one likes to live in pain. Pain affects our daily mood and attitude, we often become less kind when we are in pain. I have worked with many clients that hold chronic pain issues, and if they are open, eventually trusting and receptive to receiving, it is possible to work things through. I have seen it first hand.
You’re not alone. If you’re healing from / have healed from pain and would like to share your story with others, leave a comment or write me an email.
✍🏽 Write your self a love letter.
Dearest Chloe,
All of your unruly defiance, stubborn looping anxiety, ungodly and devilish ways, give them to me to make a forgiving fertile soil bed, to lay upon the earth for composting into new sprouts and winding vines.
Let me love the parts of you that you despise, the parts of you that you don’t want to wake up to—I will warm your mornings with my touch, presence, and all seeing eyes. Every part of you is welcomed as you are, in your totality, fragility, humanity, and divinity. You are my first and ultimate beloved, for within you holds worlds and cosmologies.
I love you, I see you, I hear you, I am willing to hold the burdens with you, I witness and create dreams with you.
With love, time and space,
Chloe
💌 And, her note to me: Thank you for pushing this prompt, it was a beautiful moment for me.
Who is Chloe Calderon Chotrani?
"I hold love as my main praxis for living in all that I do. I hope for all my labour to be loving, and not to come from a place of fear. I desire for my presence to be a radiating force of positive transformation. Dancing is my refuge and my most beloved medium of offering through performance. Touch is the main medium I hold for processing trauma in a therapeutic container, one-on-one, with people. Facilitation is my way of weaving webs of connection for embodied expansion.
Body as Earth is a platform I have created for people to receive somatic therapy, embodiment workshops, and more. I am also passionate about mutual aid, and slowly working towards building a mutual aid branch of Body as Earth, where resources are re-distributing to preserve traditional ecological knowledge of native and indigenous communities in the Philippines." Age: 32 Presently, home is... "Home is in Bali, but I frequent Singapore and the Philippines, where my roots are, and where I do some collaborations. I love travelling and sharing what I do with different cultures and people."
Chloe is in Singapore until June 29, if you’d like to schedule a Biodynamic Somatic Therapy session with her. For The Coeur subscribers who are booking your first session, Chloe is kindly offering S$10 off. I hear June sessions are almost fully booked up. She returns in December, and I’ll update you soon on advanced bookings.
Thank you for reading. Until next week, speak kindly to your self, and know that it’s okay to ask for help. ❥ Love,
